Funny thing–I’ve been so nervous to check the comments and emails related to Invincible Summer–and I log in today to find a plethora of supporting, loving little lovelies. Yes, I just called you my lovelies, because you are!
So many blogging courses give you do’s and don’ts, always-es (yes, I pluralized always) and nevers. As in, don’t change your tone–don’t go from chipper and encouraging to somber and honest. Or, don’t make it all about you, because it’s about the reader.
I have been writing this blog for well over a year now, and mostly I’ve done it for the people (and that means YOU).
But do you want to know the truth? (Of course you do!)
All bloggers write for themselves, too. You don’t put yourself out there in front of the whole world if you don’t want the world to see you. You can write with altruistic motives; you can write in hopes of helping people, but you wouldn’t write if you didn’t love it and wish to be immersed in it and engaged in it and on fire about it.
This is the issue with me, lately: I’m not on fire about this blog, but that’s just for now. I don’t want it to go away, but it’s dishonest to try to pretend you’re all hot and burning for something that isn’t really pulling on your heart, tugging at it, playing its symphony over and over in your head.
I write about honesty and I write about making it honest, keeping it real, even if it’s brutal.
Well, none of this is brutal. In my last post I quoted Emilie Autumn’s lyric, “All the world is a judge but that doesn’t compare to what I do to myself when you’re not there.” What I meant, you see, is that anybody who writes a blog or starts a Youtube channel or steps onto a stage or publishes a book needs to understand that yes, you are going to be judged, and no, not everybody will like what you do, what you say, or how you do it and say it. So you just do it.
And the thing is, in private, I’m judging myself a hundred times more harshly than any of you possibly could.
Maybe we all do this, or maybe it’s something I just need to work on. Either way, I know this isn’t totally unique to me. It’s part of the human condition.
There’s so much focus in this niche, in this community–in the blogs I follow and in the blogs that many of you write–on dreaming big and playing big and living life as an artist.
All true and valuable topics, yes.
But there’s no reason to feel bad about saying that this year, you’re on another path.
This year, I’m driving my pretty little self crazy with work as I finish my degree and struggle to find the funds to keep an apartment, a full belly, a life. I’ve had to prioritize. Sometimes we dream too big, maybe.
(My “word for the year,” for 2013, is “softness.” I need to soften into what is important, and to treat myself softly.)
And sometimes, the dream is so big that you have to take a big deep breath and dive into it, which is what I’m doing now as I work at gaining various certifications that will help me become a better teacher, a person who can give the gift of language to people who might otherwise never have the chance to express themselves in words, in lyrics, in poetry–or to immerse themselves in literature.
In summary: yes, I am here. Yes, I am tired, but I’m also happy. Yes, I will keep writing. No, I can’t make any grand promises. But I’m here, still, writing with love. Always.